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Does God hate me?

crop woman with hand in blood

I thought God hated me growing up. I was the youngest of three and grew up in Mesa, Arizona. My parents divorced when I was just three years old. Growing up I had a lot of trauma and heartache and thought God must hate me or he did not exist. My mom was shot when I was eight years old, and I was sexually abused by a family member and babysitter. At the age of 13 I was raped and told I would never have children.

I would never have children.

I thought my entire life was to be a mother and with this dream crushed I made a lot of decisions that were based upon this assumption that I would never be a mother. At the age of 16 I was lucky enough to become a mother to my oldest son though he was not born from my body. I married at 18 and was in a very abusive relationship that I nearly died in. I remember looking to the sky and saying, “God if you exist then you will either let me die or you will let me live and get me and my son out of this situation alive”. It was not long later that my ex was arrested for domestic violence and I was able to escape this horrible marriage.

Abusive relationship that I nearly died

I knew that there had to be a God because there was no other explanation for the miracle of that escape. Then nearly 3 years later I found out I was pregnant! Although, the doctors told me this baby would not live I knew again that God had to exist! There was no other explanation for TWO miracles to happen in my life in such a short time. My stepmother invited me to church, and I began to read the bible and try to understand why all the bad had happened but also these TWO miracles.

In 2008 my second son was born, and he was alive! The doctors were wrong. Although, I could not convince myself that I would be able to get pregnant again I went on with the belief that God answered my prayers even though I did not know him. When my second son was 8 months old, I found out I was pregnant again! This time though this pregnancy was full of all day and night sickness and many trips to the hospital. My first daughter was born in February 2010. Her life was only 18 days long and her death was the worst thing I had ever experienced.

The night of her death I fell to my knees and begged God to help me to know him so that I would never have to live another day thinking I would never see my precious baby girl again. This is where my spiritual journey really began. I dove into reading the bible every day. Studying everything I could get my hands on to know God and his greater purpose for all the pain that I had endured in my life.

Death of my daughter

Through the death of my daughter my ministry for other families who have experienced infertility and child loss emerged. In 2012 I began leading grief support groups to help those families with the horrible pain and emptiness that occurs after their baby has died. During this time, I welcomed my rainbow baby son. I also was a full-time student trying to figure out exactly how God wanted me to use my experience and compassion to build his kingdom.

I had another son in 2013, a daughter in 2015 and then my last son in 2018. Who knew after being told at 14 years old I would never conceive or carry a baby that in 2018 I would be blessed with 7 beautiful children! All during this time I went through college to end up graduating in 2020 with my Master’s in Professional Counseling. During 2020 my ministry turned into a Nonprofit called Grieving the Child.

Grieving the Child is my ministry to help families who are suffering with infertility, miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth, or infant death.

Grieving the Child is my ministry to help families who are suffering with infertility, miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth, or infant death. It is my passion to walk along side these families through whatever they may experience and be the hands and feed of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. My professional life is covered with many years of studying God’s word and learning how to apply it to every area of my life. Knowing that I will always need Him to guide me and show me what step in next. I know that He is for me and that everything I do is being blessed by Him.

Jennifer Fero

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